Googling an Ex Isn't Always About the Ex

So, you know how every so often you get the bright idea to Google people you used to know back in the dark ages, just to see how their lives eventually turned out?

Most of the time, the experience is pretty boring. Like, if it's been a while, maybe the person got married, had a couple of kids, or started a side hustle at some point — stuff the vast, vast majority of us eventually decide to do with our lives. But other times, you unearth a nice, juicy mind-melter.

Well, that was totally me not that long ago.

Something I read online got me thinking about the past for whatever reason, so I decided to look a bunch of folks up, including a particularly abusive ex from my early dating life.

And right before hitting enter on his search, in particular, I distinctly recall thinking, "Let's see if he ever wound up in prison." Because this was totally one of those guys you're sure will end up there sooner or later.

Well, Guess Where He Was

That's right. Prison. State fucking prison, potentially for the rest of his life.

Sadly, he wound up running a stop sign on the 4th of July three years ago, plowing into the driver's side of another vehicle, and killing the 80-year-old driver, as well as badly injuring the driver's wife. He was dead-drunk at the time — BAC of .19 or something equally outrageous.

He was immediately arrested, held in county lockup for nearly two years awaiting trial, and was sentenced to 15 years to life in state prison about a year ago – an enhanced sentence due to two prior DUI convictions, plus the ludicrously high BAC.

One of the priors I knew about, as he was in the process of trying to get his life together in the aftermath at the time we met (or so he claimed). The other apparently happened in late 1999, which would have been just months (or possibly weeks) after I finally got sick of his shit and bailed on him.

As I said, I'm not the least little bit surprised he wound up in prison eventually. But I'm heartily sorry to hear it's because somebody else needlessly lost their life. You know people like this ex, and you see where it's probably headed on your way out the door to a better life for yourself.

Still, you hope things never come to anything quite like that.

When People Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them

I don't really want to get into tons of backstory here, as this was hardly a relationship choice I'm proud of looking back.

I wouldn't even be friends with someone this selfish and fucked up today, let alone date them if I were single. But suffice it to say that this guy met me at the ideal time in a young woman's life, if he's the type of person who's looking to take advantage of others.

I was maybe 21 or so at the time — old enough to technically be an adult but still well young enough to be pretty naive in general. My ex was 8 or 9 years older than I was, in his early 30s.

I remember him having a lot of trouble accepting that he wasn't 20 anymore, and he was really struggling to find his footing in life. And as the prior DUI conviction might suggest, he had a lot of problems with alcohol and other drugs that exacerbated things considerably.

But he seemed genuine about wanting to get his shit together, and I was still idealistic enough at the time to believe him, despite plenty of evidence to the contrary.

As a result, I spent a year of my life doing my very best to support this person through that process, just as I'd want someone to do for me. Among other things, I helped him clear the DUI charge and get his license back. We even lived together for a short while — my first experience both living away from home as a full-fledged adult and my first time living with a partner.

But predictably, he wasn't as interested in staying away from alcohol and drugs as he would have had me believe. He had multiple relapses during the year we knew each other. He was also in the habit of hopping in his car with zero notice whenever he felt like it (usually right after getting extremely drunk or high), taking off out of town, and not coming back for days at a time.

He'd also refuse to answer your calls during those periods, so you'd have no idea if the dude was even dead or alive. Not exactly a dream come true for a young woman living with a partner for the first time.

Then one night, my ex decided to bring a bunch of alcohol into the apartment and made a point of drinking it right in front of me, basically daring me to do something about it. I also recall him treating me to a long, long lecture on how this is what he likes to do with his time and how he likes to spend his money.

This is who I am. And this is how things are going to go around here from now on.

He then proceeded to tell me that since I was a pathetic hermit who didn't have any friends or like to go out, all of my money could go toward rent and bills moving forward. But his would go toward whatever he wanted first and everything else second (if at all), and I was going to "learn my place" and accept that.

Eventually, he finished whatever he was drinking, grabbed my purse, took out the cash we'd withdrawn so we could go to a local festival the next day, stuffed it into his pocket, and drove off.

Very drunk, of course.

And me? Well, I was just fresh out of fucks to give at that point.

So I packed a bag and a few valuables I didn't want this guy touching, called a relative for a ride, and asked to be taken to my mother's. I never saw or spoke to my ex again. I didn't even leave a note explaining that I was leaving. My family just showed up at my apartment with a U-Haul the next day to get the rest of my things, and that was just it.

So basically, I believed my ex this time, too.

This is who I am.

Well, this is who I am, you fuck. Good riddance.

Sometimes people tell you in plain English exactly who they are, exactly that way. Believe them. It may not feel like it when you're in tears on your very first couch in your very first apartment, listening while some abusive alcoholic rips your character to shreds, but it's truly a blessing in disguise.

The Business of Looking Back Changes with Age

At 22, like I was then (or 30, like my ex), people are still on their way somewhere else. They're still in the process of becoming who they're eventually going to be.

But by the time you hit your 50s, that process is about as complete as it's going to get. Habits, values, and choices have had time to compound and accumulate by then. Long-term trajectories become more important than isolated moments and mistakes.

That said, it was both validating and surreal to see with my own eyes that my ex eventually wound up exactly where I knew he was headed the night I walked out that door and never came back.

I've also thought about it a lot since I first found out, and I've realized a few things.

Your instincts are often spot-on

In my early 20s, I didn't have the perspective I have now or even really the emotional vocabulary for properly clocking a situation like the one I was getting into with my ex before it was too late.

But I knew enough.

I knew this man had a lot of growing up to do, even though he was 8 years older than I was — an absolute eternity when you're only 21 or so. I knew he shouldn't have been treating me the way that he was, as he was both physically and emotionally abusive. I definitely knew there was something profoundly wrong with thinking it was remotely OK to drink and drive, as he very much liked to do.

My instincts knew what was up long before my common sense did.

Time rarely changes people as much as we imagine

Every last one of us eventually gets grey hair and experiences at least some degree of middle-aged spread. We develop trick knees or bad hips, and we occasionally catch ourselves telling hypothetical kids to get off our equally hypothetical yards. We change jobs, get married, get divorced, have kids, move around.

But the essence of who we are doesn't change much.

I've been around the block a few times by now, so I see through shitty people before I even smell them walking through the door at this point. But I'm more or less still the person who saw the best in my ex and wanted to help him way back then. I still love Disney movies, and tea, and fairytales, and entire afternoons spent reading. I still value slow, peaceful living, just like I did then.

And my ex is apparently still that person who loved nothing more than to get blind, blackout drunk on a holiday before getting behind the wheel and speeding off to the next watering hole on the list.

Closure sometimes arrives decades late

But it's still closure, along with all it brings to the table. I'm horrified that somebody died because of my ex's horrible, selfish choices. It's interesting to know for a fact how that particular story arc from my past ultimately played out, though.

My ex would be 58 now. He'll be in prison a minimum of 15 years, which will make him 73 before he's even eligible for parole. He might well spend the rest of his natural life in prison, and from the sounds of it, that's probably for the best.

Not that I ever doubted my choice to leave, because I never did. But there's something about seeing actual proof of the bullet you dodged (and knowing that bullet can't hurt anyone else moving forward).

Old heartbreaks almost always transition into lessons

To be fair, this particular ex hasn't really crossed my mind much over the years. But when he does, I mostly just feel robbed of some of the firsts he ruined for me. Moving out and renting my first apartment should have been a positive, exciting experience. The same goes for my first experience living with a partner.

Instead, those experiences were among the most stressful and psychologically harmful of my entire life, and I was really never the same after that. But I learned a lot, including:

• What I did and didn't want out of future relationships
• What kinds of people I could (and couldn't) share living space with
• That it's not anyone's responsibility to fix, manage, or otherwise support another grown adult
• That you don't need to justify your boundaries and personal limits to anyone, ever

In other words, the next couple of shitty exes I acquired didn't have nearly as easy a time turning my life into a living hell as this guy did.

You never know what role people will play in your story

I've had people I assumed would be part of my life forever not stick around long at all. Like, I have actual core relatives who are strangers to me now because we're no longer on speaking terms.

In other cases, I was sure someone would be nothing more than a fling or a passing acquaintance in the grand scheme of things and was wrong about that, too.

Then there are absolute blips (like my ex) who turn out to be extremely impactful because they permanently alter how you understand and relate to other people. Because let me tell you, nothing smartens you up to other people's potential bullshit quite like the experience of dating or living with an addict who has zero real desire to overcome their addiction.

So I Searched for Info About Someone Else

Out of idle curiosity, no less. And as I do, I wound up reflecting on my younger self and feeling proud of her all over again for not only learning her limits but acting on them.

I'm grateful I was at least smart enough to set ground rules, boundaries, and conditions under which I was willing to continue the relationship once I realized this man was an addict. He eventually chose to challenge those conditions in a way that was impossible to ignore, apparently assuming that he'd be able to steamroll over me.

He couldn't.

And he couldn't steamroll over that judge who threw the book at him for killing that old man, either.

Good.